• God to Ike: "No More Acoustic Gigs for You!"

ST. PAUL, MN-In what theologians say can only be interpreted as the latest manifestation of the will of God as it pertains to Minnneapolis band Ike, the First Annual Halloween party has been cancelled. Ike had previously been scheduled to play an acoustic performance at the party, and many argue that its cancellation points clearly to divine intervention.

While even the most devout would concede that a single cancellation does not necessarily indicate heavenly oppposition to an unplugged Ike, they also point to a cancelled acoustic gig earlier this month, the band's own resistance to repeated overtures from Dunn Brothers', and their abysmal acoustic performance in Minneapolis last July.

The party's organizer herself was apparently oblivious to her function as God's instrument. "I"ve got too much going on, I'm just too strapped," she explained. "I did a reality check.I realized it would be time [for the party] and I'd just want to lie down and go to sleep."

Religious leaders, however, are not convinced. "Just because she has a new house, a stressful job and an eighty-hour work week," points out Reverend V. Lucius Dalrymple, "doesn't mean that the Lord God Almighty did not appear before her, in all his majestic glory, and warn her that if she went ahead with hosting this unholy abomination, she would instantly find herself being dunked eyes-first in the foulest, blackest, sulfuruc-acid cesspool of Hell. I'm just saying," he added.

God's latest move drew unexpected support from some members of the musical community. One goth-rock musician who spoke on condition of anonymity stated, "It's about time somebody put his foot down. It might as well have been God."

He continued, "That acoustic thing is so early-nineties anyway. Where was God when Nirvana did 'MTV Unplugged'? I don't mind telling you, I lost a lot of my faith that year. But this Ike thing gives me hope. I actually might go back on tour with Amy Grant next spring."

Pope John Paul II remarked through a translator, "The Lord's will is not always clear in an ever-changing world. But today we can rejoice that God has recognized Ike's true purpose as a fully-charged, high-octane, ass-kicking rock and roll juggernaut, and that for them to pretend otherwise would be blasphemy. Ike, Ike, baby!" The pontiff then commenced pumping his fist in the air vigourously and bobbing his head until his miter and Bono's sunglasses clattered to the Vatican floor.

Neither Ike nor God were immediately available for comment