• Kieran's Titanic Lounge Replaces First Avenue as Shrine to Minneapolis Sound

MINNEAPOLIS-Thursday night marked the beginning of a new era in popular music as former local band Ike made their stunning debut to a more-than-half capacity crowd at Kieran's Irish Pub. Music fans made pilgrimages from as far away as Germany and Peru to witness the historic occasion as Ike did their best to live up to expectations by not sucking.

Although reaction was overwhelmingly positive, audence raves covered a wide range of responses.

"They're actually not that bad," observed one visibly surprised concertgoer. Others were even more enthusiastic.

"Millenium, schmillenium," remarked one fan. "The turning point of modern civilization is right here, right now. Compared to this, the history books will record Y2K as a mere footnote. We have already entered the Ike millenium, as far as I'm concerned."

"I'm going to have five children, and each of them is going to be fathered by a different member of Ike," gushed another, who tried to sneak backstage only to end up in the lobby/hallway of an office building. He was then forcibly ejected by building security.

Ike clearly appealed to people of all ages, from the old folks in the back who cheered that their hearing aids were "going crazy" to the gaggle of preteen girls who stumbled into the Titanic Lounge demanding, "where's Leo?"

Kieran's will forever be remembered as ground zero for a pop-culture blast of thermonuclear proportions, the shockwaves of which are already being felt worldwide. The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is considering the purchase of Scheik's Gentlemen's Club, across the street from Kieran's, for its new headquarters (they have already waived the normal 25-year tenure requirement for induction, and a special ceremony honoring Ike will be held next month). A rash of suicides is sweeping the world as billions realize the magnitude of the event they have missed. Every organ of the music and entertainment media is being shaken to its foundations by mass firings in the wake of their failure to adequately cover the perfomance. And citing "catastrophic loss of credibility," music venues from the Fillmore West to Carnegie Hall are closing their doors forever.

"Everyone talks about the defining moments in rock history, like when the Beatles came to America," said former Rolling Stone editor-in-chief Jann Wenner. "Big deal. Ike is going to even the score by buying England. That'll show those Limeys. Can I have my job back now?"

Fortunately, all is not lost for those who still wish to experience, in however pale a form, some vestige of the Ike debut experience. Almost the entire concert was recorded on a boombox, and although engineers described the quality of the recording as "crap," there are already more copies of it in circulation than Elton John's funeral song for Princess Diana. Also, a video recording of the event was captured, complete with interviews with fans and members of the band. That video will be aired continuously, 24 hours a day, on MTV, VH1, C-SPAN, and Pay-Per-View for the remainder of the year. It will also be available on VHS and DVD next week, and an expanded "director's cut" version is slated for theatrical release in January. Finally, dozens of photographs were taken for publication in a handsome coffee-table book that is in production as of this writing.

So what's next for this phenomenon, a band that can now write its own ticket? Will it be a world tour? A CD box set? An all-out media blitz?

"I dunno," said at least one band member. "We're still waiting to hear back from the 7th Street Entry."